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BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. -Author Unknown
1) If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do. (The middle of the human's bed is a good spot too.) 2) ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare. When they are done, jump up and look in the bowl when they flush. 3) Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on our hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. 4) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled with food. (And to get twice the number of treats, demand one before you go out and another when you come back in....2 treats for only a few drops of urine!) 5) Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. 6) Begin people-training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. -Author Unknown
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The dog is entitled to go outside anytime he wants. 2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a canine's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The dog is entitled to EAT anytime he wants. 3. The right of the canine to be secure in their domain, and effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The dog is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants. 4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property, which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of canine affirmation. In other words: The dog is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants. 5. The canine shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said canine's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Dogs can do ANYTHING they want as long as they're cute. 6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, nor involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said dogs in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face...) 7. No Feline shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No cats in the house without my permission. 8. The right of the canine to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at any time or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping in my crate or bed, or on your chair, etc .... Author unknown
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No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box. (she likes her privacy.) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (Thou has been neutered.) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping. -Author Unknown
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