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The following jokes, anecdotes and cartoons have been compiled during years of reading fun stuff about our companions, the dogs. I hope they make you smile -or laugh out loud- the way the brightened my day when I first read them, or every time I re-read them! Their source was not always available, so if you know who to give credit to, please drop me a line and I'll do so. I'll be adding more along the way, so stop by every so often so check what's new.
1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Choose a suitable background for photo. 3. Find puppy and place in front of background. 4. Mount camera on tripod. 5. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. 6. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 7. Place puppy in front of background again. 8. Focus camera to proper distance. 9. Find puppy and remove dirty sock from its mouth. 10. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 11. Crawl after puppy on knees. Replace puppy in spot, move closer for control. 12. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
13. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 14. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. 15. Put cat outside and put peroxide on scratch on puppy's nose. 16. Put magazines back on coffee table. 17. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. 18. Clean and replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 19. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No!" 20. Call spouse to clean up mess. 21. Fix a strong drink. 22. Lie back on couch with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning!
1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. All right, the dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 8. Fine, the dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only. 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 10. Sigh, humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
… You have seen the ads on TV that promise amazing results from all sorts of contraptions - the thigh master, the hip master, the belly buster. Well dog lovers take heart! There is no need to invest in fancy equipment. With this sure fire fitness program, a dog is all you need! The following exercises can (and will) be done anytime, anywhere. INNER THIGHS: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. WARNING: Do not attempt this exercise barelegged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will dig. Ouch, ouch, baaaad dog! UPPER BODY: Lift dog off the couch, off favorite chair, off the bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this process is reversed - lift dog onto couch, onto the bed and so on. TONING: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they are too small for him, they are certainly too small for you. Do it anyway. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
BALANCE AND COORDINATION: Exercise 1: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air and slams both paws into the back of your knees. Exercise 2: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap, hurdle the ones between your feet and answer the phone before it stops ringing. Exercise 3: (for those with older dogs) Attempt to cross any room without tripping over the dog. Get off couch without crushing any part of a sleeping older dog. UPPER ARMS: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
(Alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up - we all know which comes first. HAND COORDINATION AND SPEED: Remove foreign object from locked jaw before dog swallows. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches. CALVES: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body. Hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: this is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today? (Alternate): Run after dog - pick any reason. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.
REFLEXES: When entering house from shopping trip empty arms of packages and attempt to catch dog as he hurls himself into your waiting arms. (Alternate - especially for sporting dog or Lakeland owners) After the dog has gone for a nice swim in some odd looking body of water, dodge the green spray as he violently shakes the slime out of his coat. NECK MUSCLES: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or feeble to 'French kiss' when you least expect it.
BONUS OFFER - for owners of multiple dogs: Do NOT invest in that new mattress to help you stop tossing and turning. Throw away those special pillows that guarantee an undisturbed night of sleep. Share your bed with Fluffy and friends. With one stretched out on either side of you and another sleeping peacefully between your ankles, you are guaranteed not to move a muscle all night!
Recently I visited a small bar in Globe, AZ, and the only other patrons were a man and his dog. Both seemed interested in a movie that was playing--- especially the dog. He growled and snapped when the bad guy came into the scene. Whined when things got sad and wagged his tail vigorously at anythinghappy or funny. At the end of the movie I walked over and said to the man, "You know I'm surprised. Your dog really seemed to enjoy that movie." His owner shrugged and replied. "Yeah it surprised me too. He hated the book."
What is a Cat? 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They growl when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats. -Author Unknown
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